My Crystal Ball is Fixed! Let the Predictions Begin...

A little bit of glue and sellotape have fixed my Magical Crystal Ball, but only so I can see as far as 5th of May so I'll have to use it to predict the World Championships. So here we go...

Monday 13th April:

All 32 players turn up at Sheffield to get some practice in. World Snooker tell them to go back home until Friday because they are rehearsing a surprise opening ceremony.

Tuesday 14th April:

Snooker Scene's Dave H makes his predictions on Betfair, and millions listen to him and bet on what he told them to.

Wednesday 15th April:

Betfred pull out of sponsoring the tournament, saying they only pretended to get everyone excited. The race is on to find a new sponsor.

Thursday 16th April:

I wake up to find that Snooker Sceney is sponsoring the Tournament, even though I didn't do anything or am paying any money. It's announced the Chairman (guessing that's me) will present the Trophy, star in a TV Ad, and get tickets to every day.

I think up a great idea for the TV Ad, using Compare the Meerkat's Idea, I decide to do Snooker Sceney not Snooker Scene! It airs on Eurosport every 2 Minutes.

Friday 17th April:

Turns out Snooker Scene paid £5 Million to sponsor the World's but a Typo meant an extra Y was added making it The Snooker Sceney World Championship. It's too late to change it however and the name stays but World Snooker keep the £5 Million.

Saturday 18th April:

The Opening Ceremony is cancelled 10 Minutes in when Rodney Walker's Belly-Dancing doesn't go down well.

The Tournament doesn't begin well when MC Rob Walker collapses during the opening line. The Chairman of Snooker Sceney is told to take over so I give it my best shot:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, he won it last year, so that means he's good. Ronnie the Rocket O'Sullivan!!!"

"He's Funny, he's bald, most of his shots will be holed. Mark King!!!"

Wait. Wrong Match.

Back to the other one.

"He hasn't done anything in his career. Please Welcome, Stuart Pingham!!! I mean Bingham."

"Everyone cheer loud, for Rory McLeod!!!"

I thought it went well, but everyone booed so I ran off quickly.

The BBC do a tribute to Rory becoming the first black man to qualify for the World Championship, they edit Martin Luther King's (related to Mark?) speech to: "I have a dream, that one day, a black person will win the Snooker World Championships!" Barack Obama turns up to support.

Sunday 19th April:

I am replaced by David Beckham as MC, and normal service resumes. It's all going well until the Hendry Williams match when Stephen misses a tricky pot. An Old Guy in the audience stands up and shouts "You were good in my day!!!" Hendry lunges for him and suddenly a massive fight breaks out in the Crucible. The only one standing at the end is Rodney Goggins, but no one knows how.

Monday 20th April:

The Crucible Theatre is packed with the Chinese ready for the big Ding Liang match. The audience except for one is Chinese, and he leaves claiming he felt awkward. There's disaster back in China however, when a power cut leaves the entire population without T.V and access to the Match. 1 Billion people flood into Nepal to watch the match. And just about fit.

Tuesday 21st April:

Peter Ebdon and Nigel Bond send the crowd and 6 Million watching on TV to Sleep with the World's dullest Snooker game ever. The average shot time is 20 minutes and the match is only slightly livened up when Nigel dies of old age.

Andrew Higginson lives up to his promise of "never having a sad face at the Crucible" by having plastic surgery to leave him permanently smiling. Unfortunately it leaves him unable to breathe so he becomes the second casualty of the Tournament.

Wednesday 22nd April:

Betfair report unregular betting patterns for the Maguire Burnett match for a 10-3 Maguire win. The players and crowd are slightly surprised to find MI5 people watching the match with AK-47's.

Thursday 23rd April:

Holty finishes off Higgins 10-0. (Nothing to do with me) And the world are quite surprised to see Burnett lead 5-4. At 9-9 it looks like Burnett will win with match ball on the brown. Unfortunately he overscrews the white into the pocket after potting and Maguire clears up. Terry Griffith's dies laughing so hard and becomes the Tournaments 3rd Casualty. (This is getting ridiculous) BBC nick Eurosport's commentators.

Turns out all of Dave H's predictions are wrong and he is sued £5 Trillion from the General Public. Another typo missed out 'not' so it said "Dave H is responsible for all your losses" instead of "Dave H is not..."

Friday 24th April:

Spectators to the Ebdon match are given free Duvets, Pillows and Teddy Bears in case it gets too boring. To improve his speed Peter buys some Roller Skates, but falls over and cracks his head on the Table. Making him Casualty No.4.

Nepal is squished up with all the Chinese watching Liang v Hendry. Liang wins but the Chinese are unable to celebrate because they can't move.

Saturday 25th April:

With Joe Swail struggling against Shaun Murphy he asks me for some help. I ask my Snooker Sceney readers, and they refer to the First Ever Snooker Sceney World Exclusive! When I found Joe Swail eating a Full English Breakfast to help win his Welsh Open matches. I nip out to some Cafe in Sheffield and return with Sausages, Bacon and Eggs. Joe comes back from 12-0 down to win 13-12 with 13 147's.

Martin Gould came into his match against Ronnie wearing some super-green-laser-glasses. He said they were to make him look cool, but inside it told him where to hit each ball. Gouldy smashed Ronnie.

Sunday 26th April:

Holty smashes Cope 13-0. (What?)

Monday 27th April:

Gerard Greene is no match for Steve Davis "because Steve drinks Actimel, which helps his bones continue through the day!"

Barack Obama gives Rory McLeod a stirring speech before taking on Maguire.

"Can we play Snooker?"

"Yes We Can!!!"

"Can We Beat Maguire?"

"Yes We Can!!!!!!"

"Can We win the World Championships?"

"YES WE CAN!!!!!!"

Tuesday 28th April:

Martin Gould's Laser Glasses short circuit and burn him alive making him Casualty Numero 5.

Joe Swail asks for a double Full English Breakfast, but dies of indegestion. 6.

Wednesday 29th April:

Holty wins 13-0 against Walden. (WHAT? WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH ME?)

Thursday 30th April:

Barack goes all out at Rory with another crazy speech. (To Long to Print) while Holt and me have a game of Table Football.

Nepal is close to bursting as there is now 1 person by Square Milimetre. Liang says he'll win the World Championship, and then save the Chinese Power Supply!

Friday 1st April:

Shaun Murphy walks into a Snooker Sceney advert and dies. (7!) World Snooker sue me and say Snooker Sceney brings bad luck. Snooker Sceney is forced to die. Pro Snooker Blog offer me the job of updating all the Player Profiles. Accepted.

Saturday 2nd April:

Holt beats Day 17-0. (People accuse me of witchcraft and banish me to Nepal)

Sunday 3rd and Monday 4th April:

The Final. Holt v Liang. Without my magical powers though Holt is unable to smash Liang to pieces. It's 17-17. But Song's of Praise is forced to be delayed due to the Final overunning. Up pops the sign "Songs of Praise will follow this Programme." Fine, back to the most dramatic final since '85. But the sign didn't go away and it was in the way of the Scoreboard! No one could see the score. 60 Million people grabbed their remotes and flicked to Eurosport. A sign read "We Apologise for a lack of commentary, BBC nicked them." And guess where the sign was. In front of the Scoreboard. All 60 Million people in Great Britain pegged it out of their houses and towards Nepal.

Meanwhile, I was just fitting into the 1 Milimetre gap that was left in Nepal. And I saw the entire population of the U.K running towards Nepal to watch the match. They ran in, but couldn't fit, and slowly, the Himalayas toppled over. The Earth started cracking.

Back in Sheffield, Holt was on the final Black to win the World Championship. He played it, it rolled towards the pocket, Holty was going to be World Champion! Then a crack appeared in the ground, the table leaned side ways, moving the Black away form the pocket. So Close!

The Earth then split in Half, and everyone fell into space. The only Human survivor was Rodney Goggins who clung onto the TARDIS and spent the rest of his life living with Doctor Who on Raxacoricofallapatorius.

Hmmmm....

Wonder if I glued it right?