The Secret Diary of Sir Rodney Walker

Well Rodney has been removed. I did feel slightly sorry for him so I thought I could cheer him up by telling him my awesome "Rodney has to Walkerway" pun. I went into his house but couldn't find him, however I stumbled across a diary. I sat down and had a read...

JANUARY:

Disaster this month, my job is in serious trouble. I was told by a friend that Ronnie was planning an outburst to try and sack me, so I needed a plan. First of all I replaced his cue with a flimsy one and low and behold. It worked! Reports came in that Ronnie's cue has snapped. I thought I was safe and he would pull out. No such hope. He bought a new cue, and started progressing in the Masters. It was time for Plan B: Assassination. I didn't want to make it look obvious, so I released a blood-sucking moth to get him, unfortunately, just as it was going in for the kill, Jan Verhass killed the moth! Idiot, I'll get my revenge later in the year. Seems like someone put it on Youtube, but no one seems to have realised the true meaning of the moth. Yet.

I seemed resigned to failure, so I gave up. Ronnie asked me who the guy was who made Darts so great, I tricked him into saying Simon Cowell and surprisingly he did. Not that it matters, looks like I have 12 months to save my job. Oh dear.

FEBRUARY:

It gets worse and worse. The SPA has been formed, a rival band owned by the players. Still, I have a trick up my sleeve. I recommend Steve Davis to them all to be the head and what do you know, they accept! You see, I picked the oldest player so he's most likely to die of old age first and the SPA will be over and I'll be back in absolute charge!

MARCH:

This year doesn't seem so bad after all, another plan has worked! I deliberately made sure Ken Doherty played on the worst table at the qualifiers so he would be on BBC all the time, therefore making annoyed viewers turn to Eurosport and miss all the "Sack Rodney" stuff on Eurosport, genius huh? Well, he lost his last match just now. That means he'll have no distractions during his presenting duties.

APRIL:

I think I deserve a bit of credit for saving snooker you know. Peter Ebdon reached the final of the China Open and if anyone watched him they would get immediately bored and would never watch snooker again. So, I made sure rather than show the Final live, Eurosport showed the Luge and Superbikes. Perfect.

MAY:

6 Reds is the future! Us at World Snooker took a vote today and MY idea of six reds narrowly beat "Zero Gravity", "No Table" and "Dumping 50 Deadly Snakes on the Table after 5 Mins of Safety Play" to be the latest snooker innovation. I'm pretty sure it'll kick off. It's already proved it's popular after beating some stiff competition there.

JUNE:

Oh dear, now I'm in trouble. I was invited to a "State of Snooker" program on Radio 5 Live, but at the last minute was invited by Steve Davis to have dinner with him at Burger King. I thought it was a bit suspicious at first, I mean, who eats dinner at Burger King and secondly why did he invite me? I decided to cancel the Radio interview and went to Burger King to see what was going on. He never turned up, I'd been tricked! I drove as fast as I could down towards BBC headquarters to get to the interview, I turned on the Radio to hear what I was missing and there he was. Steve was talking to the Radio guy about how appalling it was that the Head of World Snooker went to a dinner instead of being brave and going to this interview. Steve had now made me look evil and everyone hates me. Clever old Steve.

JULY:

Aaaahhh. Holidays! So nice to be away from Snooker and have nothing to worry about.

AUGUST:

Phew, a close shave! After Ronnie's outburst at the Masters, Stephen Maguire thought as he was World No.2 he should do one as well. Well, I had another one of my tricks up my sleeve and got him and Jamie Burnett arrested! The match-fixing incident was a perfect excuse to get them away for a couple of days and by the time they were released, Stephen had forgotten about his plans. Go me!

SEPTEMBER:

Well Maguire managed to remember what he was going to do and with the Shanghai Masters coming up I knew I didn't have much time. When he was away practicing, I snuck into his shower and poured the shampoo and soap he has all over the floor. I turn on the news the next day and see that Stephen had been forced to pull out of the Shanghai Masters because of slipping in the shower and damaging his shoulder. Safe for another month.

OCTOBER:

Oooooh dear. The SPA have taken a vote and it shows that at the next AGM I will probably lose my job. And unfortunately, I seem to have run out of plans. I'm doomed.

NOVEMBER:

It gets worse, the AGM is in a couple of days and my latest plan is a fail. My attempt to get rid of everyone on the tour during the AGM didn't go to plan. I've sent Jimmy into some jungle somewhere and made John Higgins appear on Mastermind but it still seems to late. I also quickly made up some lark about a "World Tour" but it only shows I've run out of ideas. I guess it's time to just hope.

DECEMBER:

Well so long snooker. My last awful idea was bribery and I managed to bribe 24 people, but it was not enough. Got a text from Hearn asking if this "World Tour" thing was true, I told him of course it wasn't but he should act like it was. Oh well, my time is up, I better go and destroy another sport. Handball maybe?

In the end I got my revenge on Jan Verhass like I promised, making up some loophole in the "miss" rule. It worked in the UK semi-final and he looked like a chump. Nice to go out with a bang.

THE END

I put the book down, glad all my questions had been answered. I left Rodney's house, my puns were no match for his plans. In a way I felt sorry for him.